This internal struggle can leave us feeling torn—should we always think about how our choices impact those around us or should we live our life the way we want?
We have all had our fair share of feeling this way at one point or another, and it’s something that we are all constantly working on. When you do overcome that guilt feeling, you feel free to make choices based on your own personal needs and values – and in the end, your life is finally yours and it’s in your hands to live it to its fullest potential!
The Importance of Boundaries
Let’s be clear: establishing emotional and physical boundaries is essential in order for us to develop and maintain authentic relationships. Whether it’s with close friends, family, or even strangers, boundaries are crucial for our overall wellness. They allow us to maintain a sense of self while engaging meaningfully with others.
I know that the concept of setting boundaries can feel confronting or even a bit scary. If these emotions arise for you, know that it’s perfectly normal. They are most likely coming up due to some form of upbringing or role modeling that you were exposed to in your childhood. It might have been shown to you through your family dynamics, and therefore they seem completely normal to you.
For example, you may have been raised in a family where everything was done together and there was no sense of individuality. Or, if one person didn’t like someone, you all didn’t. If one person did that, you all did that. If this is somewhat the case, this essentially leads us to becoming people pleasers.
Trust me I get it, this is unfortunately quite common whether we see it for ourselves or not. This type of relationship is called “enmeshment”. Now, this isn’t a post shaming ‘people pleasers’ but more so trying to set expectations and boundaries for yourself so you can love the life you live and do WHAT YOU want, WHEN YOU want.
The Trap of Enmeshment
This pattern of “enmeshment” creates blurred lines between individual identities and can significantly impact how we interact with the world. If you find yourself constantly dropping everything to help others, making decisions based on others feelings/beliefs/emotions and how it may affect them, struggling to make choices independently, always being the “nice, caring” one who is there for everyone, yet, despite your efforts, feeling unseen and unappreciated—these are signs of enmeshment.
The Journey to Setting Boundaries
The first step in breaking free from this cycle is recognising that your needs are valid. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish; it allows you to show up as your true self. Here are some strategies to help you set some boundaries up to benefit YOU:
- Self-Reflection: Take time to understand what your needs and values are. Journaling can be a great way to sort through your thoughts and feelings.
- Start Small: Begin with minor boundaries. This could be as simple as saying “no” to an event that you don’t want to go to or reserving time for yourself on the weekends.
- Communicate Clearly: When you set a boundary, communicate it honestly and directly. You don’t need to justify your choices; just express what feels right for you.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that feeling guilty is part of the process. Allow yourself to feel those emotions without judgment, and remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritise your well-being.
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. This could be friends, family, or even a therapist who can help guide you through this transition. If they don’t support you and your decisions, they probably aren’t the right people for you.
Reclaim Your Life Sis
Once you begin to set and maintain boundaries, you might find a sense of freedom and you can make choices that align with your true self, and this, in turn, enhances your relationships. When you honour your needs, you’re not only taking care of yourself; you’re also showing others how to treat you.
While you might feel selfish at the start, try not to focus on the fact that you’re saying “no”, but instead that you’re saying “yes” to looking after yourself. Remember, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. That discomfort is a sign that you’re moving toward growth and authenticity, so take it and run with it.
